Muffin (muffinluvr4life) wrote,
Muffin
muffinluvr4life

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This has been coming for a long time.

JBloomingOrchid: eric bigman!
yankfan228: JENNA ROSE!
yankfan228: what do u want!?
JBloomingOrchid: nothing :-D
JBloomingOrchid: i'm bored
yankfan228: oh
JBloomingOrchid: what?
yankfan228: ur face
JBloomingOrchid: my face is amazing
JBloomingOrchid: yours... though... well...
JBloomingOrchid: let's not go there
yankfan228: lauren doesnt think so
JBloomingOrchid: no? maybe she just thinks about some other guys face when she's sucking yours. have you ever thought about that? humm?
yankfan228: no....
yankfan228: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: yes...
JBloomingOrchid: :-D
yankfan228: no...
yankfan228: btw....on that topic...eric has officially made out....
yankfan228: be proud
JBloomingOrchid: wow
JBloomingOrchid: how was it?
yankfan228: better than sarah made it sound
yankfan228: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: wtf? lmao... you know, that's actually really gross
JBloomingOrchid: you making out...
JBloomingOrchid: lmao
yankfan228: y?
JBloomingOrchid: because... it's you
JBloomingOrchid: but anyway, like, long? tounge and all? good? bad?
JBloomingOrchid: please, spill.
yankfan228: uhm
yankfan228: long....yes...3 minutes was the longest sustained kiss....tounge...yesss....obviously....and good....yessssss....obviously
JBloomingOrchid: heh
JBloomingOrchid: nice
JBloomingOrchid: at octoberfest
JBloomingOrchid: ?
yankfan228: no
JBloomingOrchid: where/
JBloomingOrchid: ?
yankfan228: well...on friday i had nhs inductions so we went to hang out at target beforehand so before i left to go change, we went to my car to "say goodbye" then later after the NHS this we hung out and we were waiting for athena to be picked up, and we were just kinda sitting in her car, me and her only, and   from 10:27 to 10:30 no stop.... :-P
JBloomingOrchid: did you just lean over and kiss her? or was it one of those mutual things?
JBloomingOrchid: or, was she agressive? lmao
yankfan228: lmao...its more of a mutual thing...wed kissed before...many times
yankfan228: just no actual making out
yankfan228: untill friday
yankfan228: now, its everytime we kiss
yankfan228: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: well, i assume
yankfan228: lol
JBloomingOrchid: *sigh*
JBloomingOrchid: jesus
JBloomingOrchid: i feel like a failure. lmao
yankfan228: y?
JBloomingOrchid: because you've done more than me
JBloomingOrchid: that's SO sad
yankfan228: hahahahah!!!!!!!
JBloomingOrchid: so sad
JBloomingOrchid: ... shit. i'm a failure lmao
yankfan228: mhm...
yankfan228: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: you know, my self esteem is low again because of you asshole
JBloomingOrchid: :-D
yankfan228: lmao
yankfan228: how many points?
JBloomingOrchid: ehh... 20 or so
JBloomingOrchid: you knocked me down like 59
JBloomingOrchid: 50*
yankfan228: that high?
JBloomingOrchid: ;,ap
JBloomingOrchid: THANKS
JBloomingOrchid: YOU SUCK
yankfan228: you swallow!
JBloomingOrchid: LMAO
JBloomingOrchid: that's an excelent comeback
yankfan228: thank you
JBloomingOrchid: ttyl, i'm going to watch legally blonde the musical and read huckfinn
yankfan228: lmao
yankfan228: ok
JBloomingOrchid: cherry IM'd me
yankfan228: yea
yankfan228: i saw her last night at across the universe
yankfan228: what did she say?
JBloomingOrchid: it's more of a matter of what i didn't say
JBloomingOrchid wants to directly connect.
yankfan228 is now directly connected.
JBloomingOrchid: dramarox28: hey
dramarox28 wants to directly connect.
JBloomingOrchid: oh my god. cherry... hey
dramarox28 wants to directly connect.
dramarox28 is now directly connected.
dramarox28 direct connection is closed.
dramarox28: i miss you
JBloomingOrchid: i miss you too
JBloomingOrchid: you sort of... dropped off the world
dramarox28: yeah i know
dramarox28: i saw eric at the movies last night and i was like omg i miss jenna
dramarox28: :[
JBloomingOrchid: heh. with his grilfriend right?
dramarox28: idk there was two of them
JBloomingOrchid: yep
JBloomingOrchid: with her
JBloomingOrchid: yeah. i'm not happy about that one
JBloomingOrchid: how are you and travis?
dramarox28: yeah i didnt see her
dramarox28: or get agood look
dramarox28: and we are great
JBloomingOrchid: oh good
JBloomingOrchid: i miss you a lot
dramarox28: i know
dramarox28: travis saw our gang sign on my door yesterday and was like "wtf?" and i was like "jenna"
dramarox28: lol
JBloomingOrchid: :-)
JBloomingOrchid: it's still there?
dramarox28: yeah
dramarox28: lol like nothing else is though it all fell off
JBloomingOrchid: heh
JBloomingOrchid: so what's been up lately?
dramarox28: umm nothing i had a stomach bacteria awhile ago actually
JBloomingOrchid: oh that's fun
dramarox28: oh yeah
dramarox28: and now my tummy doesnt like dairy or tomatoes
JBloomingOrchid: awww... you mean my favortie two foods?
JBloomingOrchid: lol
dramarox28: lol i know
JBloomingOrchid: so what happened? litterally, it felt like i was talking to you one day and then the next, we didn't talk for 2 years
dramarox28: i uninstalled aim and lost my phone :[ with all my numbers
JBloomingOrchid: why reinstall it?
JBloomingOrchid: did it kill your computer
JBloomingOrchid: uninstall***
dramarox28: umm just never felt like it
JbloomingOrchid: that works
dramarox28: well i g2g early day tomorrow
dramarox28: ill talk to you again soon
JBloomingOrchid: okay
dramarox28: bye
JBloomingOrchid: please do
JBloomingOrchid: bye
JBloomingOrchid: i miss you
JBloomingOrchid: sarah's riht
JBloomingOrchid: right
JBloomingOrchid: i should be angry
JBloomingOrchid: and i should never want to talk to her agian
JBloomingOrchid: again*
JBloomingOrchid: but i'm not
JBloomingOrchid: because i miss her
JBloomingOrchid: which would be my downfall
yankfan228: JBloomingOrchid: with her
JBloomingOrchid: yeah. i'm not happy about that one
yankfan228: ??
yankfan228: explain...
JBloomingOrchid: shit
JBloomingOrchid: you really weren't sopossed to see that
yankfan228: well i did
JBloomingOrchid: do you want the truth again eric? or are you going to blow me off again like last time
yankfan228: no
yankfan228: want the truth!
yankfan228: u cant handle the truth!
yankfan228: lmao
yankfan228: sorry
yankfan228: movie quote
yankfan228: lmao
yankfan228: conitnue
yankfan228: now
JBloomingOrchid: i don't believe you really care
yankfan228: well tell me and then ill see
JBloomingOrchid: you'll see if you care?
JBloomingOrchid: is everything in the whole fucking world about you
JBloomingOrchid: ?
JBloomingOrchid: everything?
JBloomingOrchid: because i dont think so
yankfan228: well this is about me!
yankfan228: and i do care
yankfan228: and i do want to know!
JBloomingOrchid: YOU CARE BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT YOU
JBloomingOrchid: well eric robert bigman, this ISN'T ABOUT YOU
JBloomingOrchid: it's about me.
JBloomingOrchid: because i'm the one sitting here listening to how you made out with your girlfriend
JBloomingOrchid: and how you're happy
JBloomingOrchid: and how you did this
JBloomingOrchid: and that
JBloomingOrchid: well, listen up asshole
JBloomingOrchid: because i dont get mad often
JBloomingOrchid: look, i REALLY cared about you
JBloomingOrchid: you have NO FUCKING IDEA
JBloomingOrchid: what i WENT THROUGH
JBloomingOrchid: knowing that you called me ugly and shit
JBloomingOrchid: do you KNOW what that did to me?
JBloomingOrchid: well, ask ANYONE
JBloomingOrchid: and then, i had to apologize to YOU for liking YOU
JBloomingOrchid: well, sorry to tell you this
JBloomingOrchid: but i take it back
JBloomingOrchid: because i'm not
JBloomingOrchid: because it makes me care about you SO FUCKING MUCH
JBloomingOrchid: i care about you
JBloomingOrchid: not
JBloomingOrchid: now**
yankfan228: are u gonna answer or just choose to ignore me?
JBloomingOrchid: and then
JBloomingOrchid: you know what? no. i wont.
JBloomingOrchid: because i was getting to it
JBloomingOrchid: and i already told
JBloomingOrchid: you
JBloomingOrchid: and you chose not to listen
yankfan228 direct connection is closed.
JBloomingOrchid: look, i care about you a lot. it's hard for me to know that you care someone else openly when i have to basically pull teeth to get you to tell me you care
yankfan228: uhm...i heard u the first time
yankfan228: lmao
JBloomingOrchid: i didnt know that. i didnt get any responce and the damn aim screwed up
JBloomingOrchid: what did you say
yankfan228: uhm...i didnt get a chance to respond
JBloomingOrchid: well now's your chance
yankfan228: what do u want me to say
JBloomingOrchid: if you have nothing to say, then i don;t want you to say anything
yankfan228: idk what to say
JBloomingOrchid: seriously, if you have nothing to say to me, then tell me that you can't say
JBloomingOrchid: because this would be the 3rd time that i've opened up to you with everything i had because i care about you THAT much. and this would be the 3rd time you've thrown what i've said away or responded with nothin
JBloomingOrchid: g
yankfan228: its not that im saying that i dont care its that im saying i dont know how to put it into words....its me jenna!....im not the most emotionally normal guy
JBloomingOrchid: no eric. i don't want an excuse. and i'm really tired of that one particularly.
yankfan228: its not an excuse jenna!
yankfan228: when have u ever seen me ever open up to anyone!
JBloomingOrchid: if there was anyone in the world that i thought maybe you would open up to, i thought maybe it was me. but maybe that was just me taking taking a page from your book. i was being egotistical
yankfan228: ur not being egotisitcal jenna.....i dont open up to people jenna....i dont open up to my fucking parents jenna!...
JBloomingOrchid: i'm not your parents. and i'm not people
JBloomingOrchid: i'm not them
JBloomingOrchid: and if you really thought that i was completely fine with the lauren thing, that i'm a damn good actor
JBloomingOrchid: becuse i will NEVER fully be okay
JBloomingOrchid: you really don't know what i went thought
JBloomingOrchid: through
JBloomingOrchid: and it bothers me that when i try to tell you, you blow me off like i'm this piece of shit you found on the floor
JBloomingOrchid: well, i'm tired of feeling like you think i'm shit
JBloomingOrchid: because, eric, that's what i think
JBloomingOrchid: and that hurts the most
yankfan228: jenna, im not blowing you off and im not making excuses....u have to understand as i thought u did....that i am not the best a putting what i feel into words or into any ways that people can understand.....im so used to being able to sort through and rationalize my own feelings to myself that i did not have to for others....im not used to having to explain myself or my thinking to other people....so dont think that i hate u or dont care....u should know that i do..i just dont know how to put it in a tactful meaningful manner which would make u feel better and wish everyone would just stop trying to expect me to be some super caring, loving perfect guy who understands everything and always has an answer because i god damn dont!
JBloomingOrchid: everyone being me and sarah right?
JBloomingOrchid: everyone being the two people who really do care about you
yankfan228: ur not the only people who think and expect that of me
JBloomingOrchid: really? lauren
JBloomingOrchid: lauren's cried to you now has she?
JBloomingOrchid: she's tryed to tell you something so important to her that she's willing to set everying out in front of you?
JBloomingOrchid: do NOT say your parents
JBloomingOrchid: they dont count
yankfan228: dont bring lauren into this jenna
yankfan228: she has nothing to do witht his
JBloomingOrchid: then who expects of you?
yankfan228: she's my gf ok...just a high school relationship
yankfan228: ive known u for a long time and i would hope that u know that i trust those i know more than i do those i date...
JBloomingOrchid: if you trust me, why not do more then say it
JBloomingOrchid: because as much as i want to know that, i can't anymore. i've belived it for so long. but it was just tested eric. and you didn't trust me enough to tell me anything
yankfan228: i dont fucking trust myself enough jenna!....there are somethings in this worl i wont even admit to myself
JBloomingOrchid: do you even try
JBloomingOrchid: ?
JBloomingOrchid: because it's not even like you attempt to say anything
JBloomingOrchid: you shut down
JBloomingOrchid: and if something is so big, and you don't trust yourself enough to admit it to yourself, then something EXTREME must have happened
yankfan228: ur taking it differently than i meant it
JBloomingOrchid: then explain
JBloomingOrchid: for once
JBloomingOrchid: and do not say you can't because if you don't try, it's worth nothing
JBloomingOrchid: I KNOW you're there
yankfan228: jenna...bear with me here...im trying to appease both u and sarah
yankfan228: while
yankfan228: im getting impuned and persecuted from both sides
JBloomingOrchid: i know you're trying to appease her. well sir, you just fucked up royally with her too. because waht you just implyed is that you want in laurens pants and that's JUST what you said about mike
yankfan228: i know thats what it sounds like but its not what i meant
yankfan228: i didnt say sex jenna
JBloomingOrchid: right
yankfan228: i said companionship
JBloomingOrchid: sure
yankfan228: its two completely fucking different things
JBloomingOrchid: is it?
yankfan228: companionship implies not only a physical but also a largely emotional connection
JBloomingOrchid: ah. and let me quote you for a second. "i'm an emotional rock"
yankfan228: i didnt say im emotional rock...i said im not good expressing my emotions
yankfan228: in
yankfan228: fact
yankfan228: im more emotional than most people
yankfan228: so stop fucking twisting my words
JBloomingOrchid: let's look back, shall we? i can pull up an old conversation if you like?
JBloomingOrchid: i can get your EXACT WORDS
JBloomingOrchid: so they don't get twisted
yankfan228: idc care what i fucking said before
yankfan228: dont go there
yankfan228: im telling u now ok
yankfan228: so just fucking listen to me and stop TRYING to impune me
yankfan228: im trying very hard here to justify myself to u and im only met with hostility
yankfan228: from both of u
yankfan228: both of u who claim to be my friends
JBloomingOrchid: your justifications mean nothing if they come from a textbook
yankfan228: both of u who claim to care about me
JBloomingOrchid: we do
JBloomingOrchid: maybe eric, this is why we're doing this
yankfan228: what is this fucking text book u both are talking about!
yankfan228: im just trying to explain to u what i think
yankfan228: like u fucking want@
yankfan228: !
JBloomingOrchid: i'll recap. this conversation started off with me telling you something i feel is important. extremely important. in fact, i told you i loved you. well, you blew me off. claiming it to be enotional retardation. i realize you suck with this. i understand you're trying. it's just, sometimes, when you try with your head and not your heart, it sounds like you're reading from a textbook
JBloomingOrchid: i'm upset because i care
JBloomingOrchid: if i didn't care about you, this would NEVER have happened
JBloomingOrchid: we would never fight like this
JBloomingOrchid: and i would never be your friend
JBloomingOrchid: i wouldnt love you enough to try and tell you these sorts of thing
JBloomingOrchid: s
JBloomingOrchid: well, eric, if you honestly doubt that i care, let me knwo
JBloomingOrchid: know(
JBloomingOrchid: *
JBloomingOrchid: because if i haven't made it clear, then i don't know why i even bothered
yankfan228: uve made it very clear
JBloomingOrchid: yankfan228: both of u who claim to be my friendsyankfan228: both of u who claim to care about me
JBloomingOrchid: i don't claim
JBloomingOrchid: sarah's upset because you hurt me. again
JBloomingOrchid: this isn't about her
JBloomingOrchid: it's about you and me
JBloomingOrchid: and logic isnt part of it
JBloomingOrchid: are you there?
yankfan228: i am
JBloomingOrchid: okay. i didn
JBloomingOrchid: didn't want to be talking to a wall*
yankfan228: im not a fucking wall!
JBloomingOrchid: no, if you werent there, i didn't want to be talking to noone
JBloomingOrchid: that's what i meant
JBloomingOrchid: i wasn't attacking you
JBloomingOrchid: i'm not mad anymore. i'm just upset again
yankfan228: how the fuck do u think i feel
JBloomingOrchid: that's the thing, eric, i don't know. you won't tell me
yankfan228: jenna my dear...that was rhetorical
JBloomingOrchid: was it now?
yankfan228:  :-!
yankfan228: i was saying that ive had a very long night and that i just had two of my best friends ever essentially tell me that they think im a giant sack of shit who doesnt deserve the lfe he has
yankfan228: now
yankfan228: whether or not u meant it
yankfan228: thats what it was
JBloomingOrchid: was it now? that's what you saw out of what i said to you? forget sarah. me. just me.
JBloomingOrchid: no. let me recap. this converstion started out as me screwing up and showing you something i meant to be kept inside. you asked me about it. so i told you. and you basically said to me that you can't respond. it wasnt like i asked you to have pizza with me or something. i poored out my heart. and you didn't even try to respond
JBloomingOrchid: well, needless to say, i was upset. and i was very clear that i was
JBloomingOrchid: i never said anything about you not deserving your life
JBloomingOrchid: i dont know all of what sarah said to you
JBloomingOrchid: but that wasnt what i said
JBloomingOrchid: i said that i was tired of living thinking you didn't care about me
JBloomingOrchid: and that came out wronf
JBloomingOrchid: g
JBloomingOrchid: i know you care, but sometimes, you need to show it a bit more
JBloomingOrchid: that hurts
JBloomingOrchid: and that's whats always hurt
JBloomingOrchid: and when sarah sees me hurting, what is she sopposed to do? she loves me.
JBloomingOrchid: but lets not start on that
JBloomingOrchid: i seriously don't want to bring her into this
yankfan228: i would also like to point out that neither of u should ever have brought lauren or relationships into this....
JBloomingOrchid: lauren started this.
JBloomingOrchid: this was waht you asked me about
JBloomingOrchid: and i told you
yankfan228: but its not about her
JBloomingOrchid: and i brought her into it once. i apologize
JBloomingOrchid: i shouldn't have. this is about me and you
JBloomingOrchid: i just said that
yankfan228: i know
yankfan228: but u have to understand
yankfan228: my relationship with lauren is the first time in my life time that ive liked someone, done something about it and not woken up the next day regretting it
yankfan228: and i dont want to start waking up regretting dating lauren
yankfan228: no matter if it lasts another week, year or anything in between
JBloomingOrchid: i'm not saying anything about her. what i've said is honest about her. i like her as a person. i'm happy that you're happy. i'm NOT driving you away from her
yankfan228: ur not trying to!
JBloomingOrchid: no. i'm not
yankfan228: but u both inadvertently are
yankfan228: u both are making me feel like i dont deserve a relationship....let alone friends
JBloomingOrchid: are you kidding me? you were, and still are in my eyes, one of two best friends that i truely have. i consider you to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me
JBloomingOrchid: you deserve to be so happy
yankfan228: i understand that u think that...but right now i really dont feel like that
JBloomingOrchid: and when i try to tell you how i feel, i don't want to disrupt your happiness
yankfan228: look
JBloomingOrchid: then i'll stop. i'll go away. because i'll do anything to make you happy
JBloomingOrchid: so, if i'm the always going to be the one in the one-sided relationship, whether it be friends or more, and if you think i shouldn't be in your life, then tell me, i'll go away
yankfan228: i really need to go....i feel so fucking emotionally drained and i really dont want to start up a whole nother topic of conversation that will drain more from me...ill see u tomorrow, and if u want to continue this another time with out sarah involved then we'll talk more then
yankfan228: and i dont want u to go away
yankfan228: good night
JBloomingOrchid: good night then
yankfan228:  :-)
yankfan228 is away at 11:26:00 PM.

Here it is. 

I did it again, i showed him something that should have just been left in my heart. Well, i'm tired of crying. I'm so tired of wishing he would love me like i love him. it will never happen. if today wasn't an assessment of that, then i dont know what is. and that is what really kills me inside. Sarah said that he would be there if i was in the hospital or in a coma. but he all he's going to do is tell me that i don't need to remember all of the things i've thought about him and that i should start over new, maybe i just don't want him to be there. like it or not, i love him. i wont ever stop. and if he thinks it'll be easy for me to see the guy i love with anyone but me, then he really is an ignorant asshole. but i'm not mad. i'm just more upset than i've been in, well, close to ever. i told him i would GO AWAY to make him happy. anything. anything in the whold god damn fucking world. and he doesn't believe me? doesn't he understand that I'm the one that cares? that i'm the one he can trust. whether he can trust himself or not? no. he doesnt. i would die for him. i would go away if it would save his happiness. he is in my thoughts 24 fucking 7. there is not ONE DAY i go without wondering if he's okay or if he's doing something i would like to be doing with him. i wish upon every star in the sky for him. and i have for years. i wouldnt kiss camp eric because of him. i wouldnt go out with smooie because of him. i sacrificed my happiness so many times for him and now i'm willing to do it again and he think's i'm runining his relaitonship with lauren? then i'll leave. what else can i do. teling him i love him didn't work. so maybe leaving would. maybe it would make him happy, i can't garuntee how i'll be, but as long as he's happy. 

did i mention that everytime i see the night sky i think of how i would rather be seeing it with you? how i would rather want you talking to me? no? well, even if i did, you wouldnt say anything. i hope you do regret her then eric. because i wouldn't EVER be something you would regret, whether we worked out or not.

Thank you sarah for sticking up for me. i dont care what he said, i know that you love me, even if i don't know if he does.
 
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