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Muffin

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[25 Feb 2008|10:18pm]
Today was a really good day. or, really, it wasn't... and when i got home i felt happy for some reason. i've been a huge ball of stupid-funny-happiness ever since. it's really weird.

Group 4? FLOP. lmao. rained us out. and now we have to make up all our shit. *sigh*

life? boring. i'm uploading facebook pictures of the DAFTY trip now. which is exciting. very very exciting. because there's some amazing ones! <3
Called Your Name

VEGAS BABY!!! [28 Dec 2007|10:00pm]
Sarah just left me a message about how she just passed Vegas. OH MY GOD... VEGASSSS!!!!

that's so amazing. Vegas was absolutely amazing..... lmao. i like how we call it vegas and it's really a dinky hotel on the beach with a pool and some serious memories.  Wow. Lets think back for a second... that was my... 14th birthday? holy shit... naww... that was my 13th?

uhh... there's vegas, vegas 2, and then this last dinky one... no! wait! gahh...

.... *asks sarah* she's useless.

Anyway, it was after my Bat-Mit. so i think it was my 14th. Vegas was a humongous bonding experience for our whole group. and it set the standard for amazing parties. lmao. it was a beach/pool party that involved a lot more truth or dare and dancing then actual pooling.... and that retarded room with the stupid chair and little bed is where i got my first kiss. which i'm rather happy with. most people regret their first kisses... smooie was a good person to waste a first kiss on. except, at the time i would rather of kissed bigman. lmao.

What happened in Vegas, STAYED in Vegas.... at least until we got home and told Mike. LMAO. it's a "secret" but really, it's the worst kept secret ever. and, in my opinion, Vegas 2 was better. but i don't think i kissed anyone at Vegas 2... so it's not as much of a controversial thing. So, after vegas officially ended and sarah and the gang (Cherry, Stevie, Eric, Liz.... and... i think i'm forgetting someone but i can't remember who...) left, it was just me and smooie left, and that was my FIRST real kiss. outside of all the truth or dare. but i wouldn't let him make out with me... it just wasn't right. and i don't regret that decision... i'm just sort of anxious now.  but that was a great day. actually, didn't eric kiss me that day? was that vegas 1 or 2? SARAH! lol i know you're useless... but remind me. anyway, he kissed my cheek. mostly so that everyone would shut up i think... but it was my left cheek and i remember because i was stunned for a good hour. lmao. sarah!! comment back with how the fuck you got him to do that. <3

anyway, that's one of my favorite memories... might as well remember it here.
Called Your Name

[22 Dec 2007|10:48pm]
STOLEN FROM SARAH!!!!
Post the first sentence of the first entry of each month since last January until this December.

NOTHING FROM 2007!!!!
.

September 12, 2007
Hi everyone.

October 2, 2007
It ended yesterday.

November 2, 2007
*still avoids the eric homecoming situation*

December 3, 2007
so, i found this on sarah's journal in... 2005?
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[17 Dec 2007|10:10pm]
i would update more, but i'm ACTUALLY GETTING IN BED AT A REASONABLE TIME TONIGHHTTTT!!! *mild freakout*

life's... stressful. Senora MEGABITCH sucks bigtime. hanukkah's over. christmas is getting closer. break's in a week. david visits soon? and i'm sick with a cold. plus that excellent aunt flow of mine is due for a visit right around now. i know this because an ANTM marathon's been going on, and i'm sick. therefore, now would be an excellent time to make jenna even more misreable. <3

Uhhh.... i'll update later. life's going to be good tomorrow. xmas party with the gang!!! wooo.... *wishes sarah was there*
Called Your Name

blah [12 Dec 2007|10:04pm]
I wish my hair wasn't poofy where i put it in a ponytail right now. it looks amazing... minus that. something about being really shiny and still clean and not oily looking or anything. andi it's curling at the bottoms just the right amount so that it doesnt look funny.

... yes, i know. random entry.

Anyway, nothing's on my mind today, really. i feel a combination of extremely silly, glad my spanish and bio's over, and bitchy really. huh.

*needs sleep. badly*
Called Your Name

[11 Dec 2007|10:57pm]
Lost of stuff is due tomorrow. I'm scared. *sigh* a test and an oral? oy...

i pissed off eric wolf really well. he deleted his facebook maybe? but did i do that? i don't know. it's so... stupid. i'll copy the email in here tomorrow.


 Bennett kissed Cassandra today. I missed it?


Stevie's got some money now... thank god.

I feel.... pretty tired. very very tired and very very drained.
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

cherry. [08 Dec 2007|11:12pm]
I told cherry everything. i told her how i do not approve of travis. i told her how i resent him for breaking us apart. i told her how i think his influence and controlling fucking tendencies ruined us. and i told her that she did nothing to stop it. i told her i hated him and i wouldn't stop. i also told her i never stopped caring about her. because i didn't she didn't deserve for me to think about her like i did. but i did. and as much as sarah hates it, i wouldn't and can't stop. i told her that i think it's travis's fault she didn't accept sarah's apology. because it is. the cherry we knew wouldn't have done that.  i also told her she deserves so much better.

i might have gotten through? she apologized for everything.... told me she was glad to have me as a friends.... and she was sorry she hurt me... what do i do? i accepted her apology. that's what i did. i'm sorry sarah. i shouldn't have. but i can't help it. i want her to find someone else and if i can help her do that, then i will. because travis deserves less then... he deserves nothing. he deserves less then the dirt cherry kicks up as she walks away from him. he's a fucking asshole. period. doucheville's resident jesus. they call all look up to an asshole like that in doucheville.

she doesn't deserve that i'm still here for her. i hope she knows that. i hope she knows how much she hurt me and i hope she knows that if i wasn't who i am, i wouldn't be here. she'd run back to travis if i wasn't me. but as of now, i'm trying to show her who he really is.

god. what the fuck. 3 years cherry! *sigh* and yet, she never left my heart.... i'm such a softy. i hate it. but if it helps her... then it's okay. as long as she's okay. if she was with a good guy, i would have never taken her back like that. but it's his fault. and she needs support. she doesn't need him. if i didn't accept her, she would have run back to him.

i sound like i'm using the friendship to break them up. that's not true. i just have an overwhelming hatred of the guy who took away one of my BEST friends. we'll never be quite the same. it's his fucking fault. he's part of the reason i don't have my group of friends anymore. now, i just have sarah... eric... mike... when i used to have sarahericmikecherry. we were... us. and now were not. travis is part of the reason. he's a HUGE part of the reason.

fuck.... fuck fuck fuck. i really have to stop making myself cry...
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[03 Dec 2007|08:36pm]
so, i found this on sarah's journal in... 2005? i randomly clicked a day and found it. lol so i'll do it.
P.S. i'll update for real about the lock-in, this weekend, the amazing thing david said to me, etc later.

The iPod Quiz!!!
Go to your iTunes/iPod/media player and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. No cheating now!
   --This should be comical, my iPod is usually pretty philosophical lol.

1) What do you think of me, iPod?
"There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"-- Anberlin (see? there is goes... it's telling me not to give up? that i'm not a quitter? lol... *twilight theme*... or maybe it's telling me i'll die by... someone's side in a double decker bus!?!!!!?? lmao.)


2) Will I have a happy life?
"Hit the Lights"-- All Time Low (Don't go... uh... where? lol something about dreams coming true?! yayyyy!)

3) What do my friends really think of me?
"Is it Any Wonder" -- Keane. (LMAO... so they know that i'm nuts. they don't wonder... *sigh* <3)


4) Do people secretly lust after me?
"Your Song" -- Mayday Parade (... uhh... *looks up the lyrics* LMAO it talks about missing someone... i wonder who this is... *rolls eyes* *coughcoughdavidcoughsneeze*)


5) How can I make myself happy?
"America" -- Josh Groban (god i love this song. it's up there on my favorites. anyway, uhh... laughing with someone about a spy? lol... humm.. this one's a bit too deep for now. care to offer an explaination?)


6) What should I do with my life?
"Readyfuels" -- Anberlin (.... uhh... run hot? lmao)

7) Why must life be so full of pain?
"Slow Suicide" -- Jamisonparker (LMFAO. perfect. heh. i cheated once on this one though, because a hairspray song came up and i don't think this quiz allows for musicals. lol)


8) How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Miracle" -- Paramore (How absolutely devistating is this? lmao i was like WHAATT!!!??!.... *sigh*)


9) Will I ever have children?
"You're Ever So Inviting" -- Underoath (uh... thanks?)


10) Will I die happy?
"You Are Loved" -- Josh Groban (that's a big yes! lol)


11) Can you give me some advice?
"A Beautiful Lie" -- 30 Seconds to Mars (errr... my life's a lie... thanks?)


12) What do you think happiness is?
"She Will Be Loved" Maroon 5


13) What's my favourite fetish?
"More Than Words" - BBMak [[uhm...okay? i don't get it lol]]


14) How will I be remembered?
"Shut Up" - Simple Plan [[yeah...that SEIROUSLY fits me well! I never shut up XD]]
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[27 Nov 2007|09:15pm]

*sigh*

"don't be an ass at the lock in, eric, don't hurt abbey... at least warn me if you want time. i'll move abbey. something..."
"i'll do my best..."
"seriously, i'll move her."
"yeah"
"promise? try not to hurt her"
"i'll do my best..."

 right. sure you will, eric, sure you will.







stop lying to me.
1 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[26 Nov 2007|10:16pm]

oh boy. eric cut off all his hair... fuck. there it goes.... my childhood... lmao. i miss it. it really isn't... err... it's... okay? i don't like it as much as his last haircut. i have got to say though, i don't know how the hell jenny and anna have that kind of power over him. i want some. maybe i can get him to stop being such an ass.

Por ejemplo: he told me he wants to go out with brooke. right after dating lauren. which would upset abbey. who has had a crush on him since a little after me. (me and abbey have always been cool by the way). because brooke is abbey's best friend. and brooke has already stolen an ex of abbey's. yep. there you go. anyway, eric said to me, "abbey loves me in a creepy stalker way sort of. and i wouldn't think of her like you and brooke like sarah because abbey loves me more." Abbey loves me more. i have GOT to say, not only DOESN'T abbey love him more, she just crushes on him, but fuck yes it is like sarah and me!!!! he also said that abbey would have a breakdown and i didn't. Really? He was there? He cared at all? i think fucking not. i think sarah's the only one who cared how much that hurt me. so, i didn't have a breakdown... ha.. haha... heh... wow. he's unobservant. he didn't watch my heart crack the moment they told me? and he didn't watch me scramble to quickly pick up the pieces with enough time to say "oh i knew that was coming... haha... good for you" and he didn't watch as i duct taped my heart shut so that i could last long enough to make it home before i broke completely? he didn't watch me crying at homecoming and shaking and holding myself together? huh. then maybe he really doesn't care. i wish he did. one of these days, maybe someone will show him this post or maybe he'll get a clue or maybe he'll stop looking for a "highschool relationship". i hope i'm long gone. i hope i'm very far away and i hope he trys to find me. i hope he suffers for breaking my heart so many times, because i don't think i can put it back together anymore. there's a piece missing and a piece that won't fit back together correctly. i think the missing piece is still on that swing in sarah's yard. and the piece that won't fit? he mangled it the day he stopped calling me and stopped talking to me on a daily basis and the day he stopped playing the license plate game with me and doing halloween with me and eating lunch with me and talking to me in the halls... and the day he stopped caring.

i should record the sarah eric thing for posterity, so i can read this when i get older, but i won't tonight. i don't feel like being seriously depressed tonight. contrary to popular belief, i wrote all of that without crying. too bad my heart hurts a bit. damn mangled piece...
Called Your Name

Rant Fest! [13 Nov 2007|07:52pm]
Fuck it all.

I'm so tired of trying and never winning. I'm SO TIRED of trying really hard to get an A or to do something right or not to lose something or ANYTHING and then having it blow the fuck up in my face. I am SO stressed. not only that, but cantor's pissed at me because i'm trying to do school work. well, mr. all i have to fucking do all day is be fucking jewish, i have a BIT MORE FUCKING STUFF IN MY FUCKING LIFE. like IB for example, which i am THIS CLOSE to dropping. i can't do all the shit i have to do and be able to make EVERYTHING for temple. i told him LAST TIME i wouldn't be able to make shoppers night. so i tried to make time to do it. then my fuck-face fucktard spanish teacher decided that, because i accidentially only did the first part B of the test, i couldn't fix it. and i failed. it was not my fucking fault. so now i'm grounded from going ANYWHERE unless all my homework is done. and today, at 4, my homework would not have been done. i can't get home before 3:30 because school so damn far away. what the fuck does he expect me to do? i can't do anything more that's for sure. and let me reiterate this--

I WILL CHOOSE FUCKING SCHOOL OVER TEMPLE EVERY FUCKING TIME BECAUSE GETTING MY EDUCATION IS NOT SOMETHING GOD'S GOING TO HATE ME FOR. OH DARN. so, on rosh hashannah next year when i go to school, he better not talk to me. better not say a word.

how DARE he think that i'm avoiding temple. i try my best to get everything done for school and temple. i just can't sometimes. and i sacrifice temple. it's always going to happen.

damn it. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i'm so close. just one more thing and i'll be gone. i'm not gordon or renan who can do this shit fast and efficiently. i'm me. i don't like to do homework or projects. i like to learn in school, and hour of homework's all i can do efficiently and then i get tired of it and just want to stop. then i stop learning and start hating.

i'm SO stressed. i've been crying all fucking day. and i'm way to fucking pissed to care that cantor's being a selfish ass and my spanish teacher is the fucking hitler reincarnate.

did i mention my father thinks i'm depressed? i'll post on that later
Called Your Name

[09 Nov 2007|10:47pm]
Alright, i swear to GOD i haven't dreamed in a year and here i go, dreaming again.

So, let me tell you about it. and sarah, i know this is really awkward. But seriously, this was my dream. and this eventually leads for a question for you lmao.

DREAM--

So, we were dancing like skanks.... again lmao. and all of a sudden, sean was there. yes, that sean. the one you kissed? my ex-boyfriend? brooke's boyfriend/makeoutbuddy/SEXPARTNERLMAO... sorry about that... anywayyyyy... we were sitting, talking, and all of a sudden we were sitting camp-style, aka I'm in front of him, laid back on him and he's behind me. keep in mind this is really weird because, as nice as sean is, i would absolutely NEVER date him again. he's too quiet.... and it would be BEYOND weird... he's sean... eww... lol <333. anyway, so now we're sitting like that and he says somthing (i can't remember what) and then he kisses me. this would usually be the part where i wake up from my dream. but no. of course not. i had time before i woke up to think, "if this is making out, either sean really sucks at it or it's just shitty in general." and THEN I woke up.... yep. it was bad. lmao. when i say it was bad, i mean, that was probably the worst kiss i'll ever have, and it didn't even HAPPEN. and, it was sean, which makes it..... funky.

anyway, so sarah... now i'm curious. does sean suck at kissing? because i only kissed him once and it wasn't bad. we didn't make out though lmao.

by the way, i'll reiterate this one last time, this was so freaking random... seans.... eww... and the best part? i have to look at him tomorrow in the bowling alley and NOT die laughing. <3333
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

P.S. Homecomming... ADD ON TO LAST ENTRY [05 Nov 2007|08:27pm]
[ mood | cold ]


Where's the fairy tale? anyone? anyone want to tell me? well, let me tell you....
Boy and Girl grow up together, they are the best of friends. One day, after an adventure of some kind, the Boy kisses the Girl. They have been in love for some time now and the kiss just makes life perfect. They get married and love each other for all eternity. The End.

What did you think? Isn't that how it's sopossed to fucking be? well, it's not. it's lies. lots of fucking lies. that's not what happens. let me fix it for you...
Boy and Girl grow up together, they are the best of friends. One day, after an adventure of some kind, the Boy kisses the Girl. Boy tells the Girl she's fat and that he has new friends now. "you're like my sister," he said "and it would be weird because you're my sister. You're immature and you live in the past. Grow up and then we can talk." They have been in love for some time now and the kiss just makes life perfect. The Girl is heart broken. She loved the Boy. But she watches the Boy's life and she watched him grow up. And after every kiss he shares with another girl, she wonders what could have been and what went wrong. They get married and love each other for all eternity. She lives with half of her heart and the Boy lives with an extra piece of heart until they die, many years later. The End.

I'm in an EXCELLENT mood. Can't you tell?
2 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[02 Nov 2007|12:27am]
*still avoids the eric-homecoming situation...*

We, Sarah and I, saw RENT today... wait, yesterday. lol. It. Was. AMAZING. absoulutely amazing. probably the best night of my life, excusing seeing the lion king. although, it's pretty close.

Mimi was AMAZING. Mark, although he was a brunette, was AMAZING. Joanna... had a lisp. lol. Roger looked older than he should be, but still sung well. Maureen was reallllly good. Benny was good too. Angel? AMAZING. lol. Collins... was odd. as much as i liked his voice live because it's higher and he had dreadlocks, lol, i think i like the origional collins better.

Christmas bells are riiinngggggiiinnngggg.... NOT HERE! lol

I CRIIIIEEEDDDD!! sarah? yep, bawling. but she was crying for 2 things. i was just upset that angel dies, because he's AMAZING. AND AMAZING, AND AMAZING.

We sat in Row U. not bad. oops, did i not mention that we MOVE UP TO THE SECOND ROW FOR ACT 2!!!!!!! oh. my. god. 2 empty seats next to sarah's friend katie. it was AWESOME. benny looked at us during seasons of love.

<33333 Never forget tonighttt!!
Called Your Name

Homecoming 2007. [28 Oct 2007|07:32pm]
Well. How about AMAZING! lol it was SO much fun. it really really was. Bennett left early but even he danced.lol. It was like, HOLD ONNN!!!! *GRABS HANDS OF SARAH AND BENNETT* and awaaaayyyy we go! into the crowd! heh... Bennett and I were walking around at one point going back to dance with Sarah and everyone and we just grabbed hands. it was like, HOLD ONNNNN!!! but at that point, there wasn't really any reason to hold on because the crowd was a bit less dense... it was just a reaction to moving into the crowd. Yep, sarah has us nicely trained. lol.

Anyyywayyyyyy, So, the dance was really great. Dominic learned to dance a bit (thank GOD. because just looking at him makes me SICK when he dances lmao... thank GOD for sarah!!!!!) and I convinced Chis (my Spanish sophmore friend that thinks i'm a nerd) that i'm really a bit of a.... okay, a pretty big... well... a FREAKING whore. lmao. because yeah, i was. between sarah AND kaite AND ashley? holy shit.

Graff got me.... snuck up behind and got on the ho train.... fuck. lmao. i basically should have ripped off my ass right there, but sadly there was no paramedic handy. The DJ sucked a bit too... Tremble? yeah, more like a slight shake...

i'm going to update about the shitty part of homecoming later. i'm so tired. i'm falling asleep.
Called Your Name

[25 Oct 2007|11:11pm]

I want to do something i'll regret. I want to be able to let go. as long as i can't, it's hell. I'm living in a fantasy world! what do i do about that? i'm living in a world where i believe he cares. well, he doesn't. It hurts. I want homecoming to be different. i want to be the one he looks at and thinks, why isn't that guy me? I want to be the one who makes people jealous! but i'm not. I'm the girl who'll look over and see them kissing and my heart will break. again.

again. it's a terrible thing to think that he's affected me so many times that i can honestly say he's broken my heart, again. why do i let him hurt me ALL THE TIME? i let him take advantage of the fact that i care so much.

The quote Sarah found that's basically my life:

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice,
always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached,
for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you,
thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you,
dreaming of you, and most of all...
for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't.
Called Your Name

[22 Oct 2007|07:38pm]
Homecomming is going to be... hard this year.

i'll update on this later. can't finish now
4 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

[17 Oct 2007|09:27pm]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


i love this. i just think it's so amazingly cute.

random, i know, but i'm in a bit of denial and i could use the distraction!
Called Your Name

I realize this breaks the mood... but i couldnt help myself. [15 Oct 2007|10:22pm]
Urban Dictionary.com

Okay, so my brother said jerk off today and i realized he didn't know what it means (laughs histerically) **just wait, it gets better**
So, while on my quest to enlighten him, i found these---

Penis
9038 up, 2882 down
 

The tool used to wean and convert lesbians and virgins into useful, productive members of society.


Masturbation
965 up, 241 down
 

Mass murder of millions of tiny defenseless sperm.

If hitler was into masturbation instead of murder all the millions of deaths would not upset the world.



And now for a few of my favorite classics -

eskimo
109 up, 27 down
 

One of God's frozen children.


  eskimo
53 up, 52 down
 

snow mexicans


Cheesus Crust
29 up, 1 down
 

Our lord that art in cheese.



No, my mood hasn't improved. but i found this BEYOND hillarious.

Enjoy!
Called Your Name

This has been coming for a long time. [14 Oct 2007|11:40pm]
[ mood | The worst. ]


Here it is. 

I did it again, i showed him something that should have just been left in my heart. Well, i'm tired of crying. I'm so tired of wishing he would love me like i love him. it will never happen. if today wasn't an assessment of that, then i dont know what is. and that is what really kills me inside. Sarah said that he would be there if i was in the hospital or in a coma. but he all he's going to do is tell me that i don't need to remember all of the things i've thought about him and that i should start over new, maybe i just don't want him to be there. like it or not, i love him. i wont ever stop. and if he thinks it'll be easy for me to see the guy i love with anyone but me, then he really is an ignorant asshole. but i'm not mad. i'm just more upset than i've been in, well, close to ever. i told him i would GO AWAY to make him happy. anything. anything in the whold god damn fucking world. and he doesn't believe me? doesn't he understand that I'm the one that cares? that i'm the one he can trust. whether he can trust himself or not? no. he doesnt. i would die for him. i would go away if it would save his happiness. he is in my thoughts 24 fucking 7. there is not ONE DAY i go without wondering if he's okay or if he's doing something i would like to be doing with him. i wish upon every star in the sky for him. and i have for years. i wouldnt kiss camp eric because of him. i wouldnt go out with smooie because of him. i sacrificed my happiness so many times for him and now i'm willing to do it again and he think's i'm runining his relaitonship with lauren? then i'll leave. what else can i do. teling him i love him didn't work. so maybe leaving would. maybe it would make him happy, i can't garuntee how i'll be, but as long as he's happy. 

did i mention that everytime i see the night sky i think of how i would rather be seeing it with you? how i would rather want you talking to me? no? well, even if i did, you wouldnt say anything. i hope you do regret her then eric. because i wouldn't EVER be something you would regret, whether we worked out or not.

Thank you sarah for sticking up for me. i dont care what he said, i know that you love me, even if i don't know if he does.
 
4 Looked Up High AndCalled Your Name

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